December 2011

I am just getting back into my blogging. I haven't posted much in a very long time. For those of you who don't know, we found out we were going to have another baby back in December. We were so excited for a new addition to our family. We had tried off and on with no luck. I have had a very difficult time getting pregnant. Many doctors told me it would most likely never happen, so I already proved them wrong once!

Our joy was short-lived. A few days before Christmas, I had some complications. I was having a lot of abdominal and back pain. I had my first ER visit when I could barely walk due to the pain. They confirmed the pregnancy, but could not give me a firm answer of how far along I was. They eventually sent me home with the strong advise that I go see an OBGYN immediately following. I called around and found an excellent OBGYN, but she could not get me in to see her for a week. I went ahead and made the appointment.

Two days later, I started spotting. It was very light at first, so I called my doctor's office and they told me that it was normal. They said that unless I had severe pain and a lot of bleeding, that I shouldn't worry. Later that evening, I started to have an extreme amount of pain. I went to the restroom and that is when I noticed the bleeding had gotten a little heavier. I had some clotting and other masses present. I couldn't bring myself to look at it. I called my doctor's office and they advised me to go to the ER again. So off I went. When I arrived, I told the nurse at the front triage desk what had happened while I was in the restroom.

This time, they did a full mark-up and I had several ultrasounds done. During the ultrasound, there was a moment when the technician became very quiet, like she was really concentrating on something. She was very sweet and kind. I was quietly sobbing because, in my heart, I knew something was not right. She held my hand as she completed the intrauterine ultrasound, which was quite painful. As soon as she was done, they wheeled me in my hospital bed to a room. Alone, I sat with my thoughts. I was scared, sad, anxious, and many other emotions.

Finally, the doctor came into the room. As he spoke, all I could think was that I knew that my baby had passed away. He said the nurse informed him of the clotting and masses. He then asked if I had brought it with me! I just looked at him with a blank stare. I had tears streaming down my face, and he scribbled something down before excusing himself to send in the female nurse. She came in and asked me if I was alright. All I could do was cry.

When they released me, not much was said by the doctor or nurse. I got dressed and headed out the door. The nurse caught up with me and handed me some discharge papers. I took them and continued walking. Eric had gone to get the car. Things are a blur. I remember being almost home when I looked down at the papers and saw the word "Abortion" on the front page. In parenthesis it said, "Miscarriage". That was the first time it really hit me. I was immediately angered by the word, "abortion" and saddened by the word, "miscarriage".

Basically, the papers said that I was in the early stages of miscarriage. There were some instructions that if the baby came out, I should bring it to the hospital for testing. I won't go into the details, but I will just say that my baby did come out and I chose not to bring him/her into the hospital for testing. Eric was with me when it happened.

Things immediately went back to "normal" because Christmas was just a few days away. We had both of his girls visiting and I had to take care of all the kids, so things just sort-of got swept under the rug. Eric and I barely spoke of what happened, and still haven't. He said he didn't want to hurt me by bringing it up, but not speaking about it hasn't helped either. I have battled some depression and have been going through some other emotions and situations since that time. I am going to counseling in the hopes that it will help me to cope.

To those women who have experienced such a loss, I sympathize and hope that you were able to get some help in dealing with your feelings. I feel such an emptiness at times. My heart aches. I know God has a plan for us, and I know that this happened for a reason. I still get emotional when I think about it, but I wanted to share my story. If anyone ever needs or wants to talk about their loss, I am a great listener. The most important thing is to never feel like you are alone. I don't know if I will ever look at Christmas in the same way. I used to love Christmas, and it was my favorite holiday. Not any more.

Preschool Already?

It has been a very long time since I have posted. Last September, Jarekah started preschool. She loves it! The local high school has an early education class for the high school students, which means Jarekah gets to have a blast hanging out with the high school kids. Of course there are two teachers who monitor the entire time, and Jarekah loves both of her teachers. She has made a lot of friends and I got to volunteer for her Christmas party. Her best friends are Alice and Riley. I can't believe my baby is a big girl. Time has flown by so quickly.